Day 31 – Close Call

Today was my most challenging day yet, 31 days in. It’s maybe not what one might expect – I didn’t spend today cocooned in my bed watching HGTV, guzzling hot tea and white knuckling it, nothing so dramatic or drawn out. It was a tiny moment out of my day, just a speck: me, looking up at the waitress to give my drink order. It was the strongest push I’ve felt to drink during the entire past month.

I can only liken it to what it feels like the first few seconds you get into a very hot tub – it’s how I felt when the voice spoke to me. Just order a glass, it doesn’t need to be a big deal, you’ll relax and it will feel so good to forget about this bullshit of not drinking, just for a few moments. It was fleet of foot, sudden and tricksy, stunning and cruel.

I opened my mouth, and out came “Chamomile tea, please.” Thank the universe.

Day 7

Happy 1-week anniversary to me! It’s an ant-sized accomplishment compared to some of the soberblog writers I’ve been reading this last week, but I’m thrilled it’s mine. Christmas in Paris herbal tea by Stash Tea tonight (and two messy squares of Vosges’ Pink Himalayan Crystal Salt Caramel Bar – heaven).

Forever vs. day-by-day – thinking about this today: Is abstinence from alcohol forever, or just until I’ve restructured my circuitry? Will I ever be able to have a glass of wine with dinner again? So I listened to Laura Mckowen’s episode 18 podcast tonight about making sobriety stick. What rang out to me was the quote “Whatever feels freeing is right for you.”

In this moment, freeing is the idea of making it to 100 days, nothing more or less. I’m not looking at it as a countdown until I can drink again; if I did, that would be willpower vs. will, which the podcast makes a good point in differentiating. (Willpower = self-control, the ability to control your urges and actions, and is akin to “self-denial” and “deprivation.” Will = willingness, or motivation or desire, and is akin to “volition,” which is making your own choice or using your own discretion.)

Freedom from alcohol at my own discretion. I am sincerely elated that this appears to be within my abilities. 7 days, baby. A lifetime to go? Maybe so.

A switch flipped in me a week ago. I was SO tired of the same dialogue day after day after god-damned day. Monday a.m.: “I’ve got to stop.” Tuesday lunch: “I shouldn’t do this.” Wednesday a.m.: “I’ve got to stop.” What a waste of my life, of my energy, of my motherhood. My son is growing at such a fast pace now, almost 8 years old, such a happy boy, so full of sugar. Why was I choosing to miss this time in his life? Why was I choosing poison over sugar?

I’d tried to turn the corner so many times, and I’m not sure why this time was different, but maybe it’s the accountability of having to show up on this blog every day. Is anyone going to read it? I cried when I got my first comment, so silly. I don’t know if anyone’s reading it or if the views are just accidents. But it’s keeping me in line, so does it matter? At any rate, I’ll say again how grateful I am to have found this community. If you are here because you are struggling, try clicking Links above. I hope it changes your life as it’s changed mine.

Day 6

Saturday night. Difficult going out to dinner, to a place where I’ve never not had 2 glasses of wine or more. Tonight, hibiscus tea. Feeling thankful I didn’t cave. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to do, except that I knew I would have had to come back and write it down. I’ve read too many soberblog posts and comments in the last week that start “Day 1 again.” It just makes me sad to think of myself writing that.